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All I have

This week I had a moment of learning that I had to share here. Okay, so, to situate you I need to tell about this guy I met in high school (I’m graduated in college now, Civil Engineering) who went to college with me, only he graduated in Electric Engineering. We hooked up for a few years, nothing serious, he never wanted, so you imagine how many times I had my heart broken with that one.

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After graduation he left to another state and we didn’t end up well, ’cause he just left with no goodbye and I ended up hurt again, to I decided it was over, no more of him, enough, he didn’t treat me so well… While that I started having a crush on this other guy, he was like an angel, so polite, so nice. So I looked him up on instagram and started contact, in person he would be so nice, he asked me about my life and everything, but online, in messages he wouldn’t even answer, just ignored me several times.

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So this one time I sent him another message and he took 2 days to log in and see, after that I sent another apologizing for disturbing him and guess what: nothing, like I was nobody, not even a single ‘sorry I gess you misunderstood me, I only like you as a friend’. A week later after dreaming twice about the guy who left to another state I had to get in touch as a favor to a friend, to get information on internship.

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He was the same, treating me so well, always replying my messages, worried if I was fine, if I was working… You see, I don’t mean he’s my soulmate or anything, I don’t even expect us to be together. What I mean is sometimes we’ll find people that care about us, but only ’cause they don’t spend the whole day telling us that, we tend to not see how much they care, while others we find seem to be so nice, angels, and deep inside you find out they never even cared about you.

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There’s no such thing as perfect or soulmate or ‘compatible’, life happens in the most crazy ways, is just happens. I realized how much I didn’t value the times he said he was happy for me, the times he read every message I sent saying how much I hated him and still would welcome me with kindness everytime I needed him. You see, I thought he didn’t value me, I was wrong. And I’m only happy it’s not too late. After feeling so down, another heartbreak, he was there to lift me up. We’re fine, we’re friends, and I’ll never let him go again, I need people like him.

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Down days

This one was, no doubt, a very hard week. Last saturday my dog had a surgery and I spent the past 5 days barely sleeping, worried sick with him. So today, after 5 days of exhaustion, I had to take him back to the Vet, ’cause the spot of the incision was a little infected, he’s fine btw, getting better, slowly.

Besides that I had a work meeting – I work with interior designs – and I couldn’t stop for a second to relax, I didn’t want to relax, on the top of all that, there’s this guy, of course, a guy. I could easily say I love him, but unfortunately he doesn’t feel the same about me, I should be already over him but it’s kind of impossible for now… I’ll get there, eventually. So all that, the exhaustion, the concern with my dog, the meeting, the guy, the feeling of desperation for not being able to be with the one person I truly like, that took me down today, pretty hard.

‘Cau I’m too old to be a drama queen, I can’t show anything, I have to smile and if someone notices I’m kinda down, I just say ‘a little tired, it’s friday after all’ and pretend that’s the truth. So at night, after finally finishing all I had to do, I had to go to a store, to get a new blanket for myself and while waiting to pay for it and leave, I saw a woman with two kids and both of them were so excited to me shopping on a friday night, excited to have something different to do. That reminded me of my childhood, we only have school, no worries about anything else, and things like going shopping seem so interesting…

There I was, tired, crazy to leave the store and done, so done, with this day, this week and I reminded that me from 15 years ago would be so happy to be there. When did life become so not funny? When did we stop our lives at any problem? I swear, I barely did what I had to do today, so sad, so upset for the dog, the guy, the time I couldn’t sleep. Yeah, I know we all have our ‘down days’, and I’m happy to know tomorrow is another day, and it will pass. But for now I don’t wanna be like this, I’m sad, I’m hurt and I don’t wanna be.